Anxiety

Every night when
I go to bed
In my head
Is a scrambled TV
A white-noise cacophony
Of anxieties and worries,
All of my vulnerabilities,
Hypothetical situations I’ll never see;
And now I cannot sleep.
The minutes tick by as I
become sleep deprived.
My heart races
As my mind paces
Remembering, episodically,
Scenarios that I can’t repeat;
Regrets I can’t seem to forget
And better words I should have said.
Every stupid thing I’ve ever said
Minor worries turn to phobias
Trivial thoughts give me dread
Tonight, there’s no peace to find
As potential fights occupy my mind
Things I may never hear or need to say,
But I fear them anyway.
Paranoia feasts on my insecurities
Closest relationships fall into obscurity
A rapid migraine evolves from the stress
As my heart tries to break free from my chest
Horrid visions begin to form
The future becomes an oncoming storm
Or the gaping maw of the unknown abyss
I’m so tired of this
Delusion that I feel
And the fear of it becoming real

Darkness

Darkness

envelopes me

A rapacious gluttony.

It devours all my energy,

Eating at me, constantly.

A raging stormy sea

And a void far and empty

Stretching out endlessly

And beyond all periphery

Creating vast entropy;

A resounding cacophony

Of suicidal tendencies

And homicidal fantasies.

Plagued by oversensitivity

Persistent thoughts of envy

And sporadic acts of jealousy.

Doubtful thoughts make me bleed,

Bringing up insecurities.

A prison from which

I’ll never be free

I’ll never be

happy.

Regrets

Regretting,
as I see her walking past;
A phantom of a future I’ll never have,
A ghost of romance and history
A Beautiful mother
And he, handsome,
Doubtlessly more fit for her than I.
And thus doubt floods my mind,
Once more.
For I am accursed,
By some strange musing I had uttered:
“I will never love again”
And then, I meant it.
Perhaps now I regret it.
Wretched I stand,
As the phantom passed.
Exhausted, I sit…
Perhaps more like collapse.
Lonely nights last longer than I will bear.
I had it all and let it go
I say to myself as I pour one more drink.
Restless, I lie in bed,
For now.
Until I feel it all start to slip away
I feel my soul drain from my vessel.
Restless no more,
Now I sleep, eternally.

Who Do You Think You Are

Who the hell do you think you are
Don’t act like you’re so special
A million men have thoughts like yours
 A thousand more obey them
Just keep your mouth shut tight young man
No one wants to hear a word from it
Your feelings are too damn cliche
Your thoughts are insignificant
It doesn’t matter how you feel
Nothing you think is important
Your feelings are so unoriginal
Nothing you say’s worth saying
No one wants to hear what you think
Not a single soul will care
Your anguish is nothing new
So just stop only thinking of you
You’re an empty brain and a worthless heart
Your actions see no consequence
You’re just digging yourself into a hole
miserable for the sake of misery
“Give me love, give attention to me
I want to feel special, I want your pity”
You’re just another face in the crowd
Just another speck in the dirt

Misery

I am the embodiment of misery
I am depression incarnate
Darkness prevails my empty heart
No light shines to compensate
I have become death,
And my own world I destroyed
Driving away all who are close to me
All those terrorized or annoyed
Was I too selfish,
did I want too much?
I push away all who I hold,
And break all that I touch
Is it disinterest, annoyance?
Am I overwhelming, am I not enough?
Am I over thinking, under trying,
Am I too soft, or am I too rough?
My life is a barren wasteland
Bleakness caused by introversion
Lost my oasis, I’ve lost all hope
Sorrow becomes my immersion
Sinking quicker into the depths
Of a black void I thought I’d escaped
Wretched Agony as my only friend
This is the life I alone have shaped