Masochist

Am I a masochist
That I torture myself this way?
As you sit there, miss catalyst,
The means to my agony
If I could just move on
Would that be my remedy?
Or will I be forever drawn
By the memories of you and me?
Held back by our once great passion
 I feel I will never be free
So now I will ration
The little moments we share
Or would it be better to all together
 Let go of the girl who’d never care,
Who’s heart’s crafted from leather
Beautiful angel, wicked parasite
Heavy as lead, but light as a feather
My greatest cure, my toxic blight
 My rationale, my insanity
I’d kill to have you back
But I see you have no humanity
It’s sympathy you lack
No care for how I feel
We had something rare
Something I knew was real
But it’s just so damn unfair
How you used me and just left
Maybe someday I’ll learn
To recover from your great theft
To heal this wicked burn
To move on and love another
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The Midnight Melody

I still lie awake at night, plagued with thoughts of you
 The insomniac “what if’s” and “if only’s” that keep my mind full steam
And the few hours I have to call my sleep
 Are occupied by dreams of me and you and another man
You’ve moved on to a life that has no room for me
And now I’m just a shadow of a memory you used to live
 Following you around, longing to connect
 But separated, held worlds apart
You say you miss me, that you were better off before
 But it’s just the thought of me, not the being that’s so much more
 You could have had me back, but you chose to leave me behind,
As you walk a dark and barren path, a life you used to adore
And you torture me with messages of happier times and boys other than me
Which I read in the dark, alone on the weekend night
I honestly hope that this is worth it, that this life brings you joy
So much more than what I could have gave, what I could have done for you
But if at night you lie alone, wishing for me, too
then my pain and loneliness is all for nothing
So make good use of what you have, what a life without me got you
For I hope it’s worth leaving behind
A love no one else could compare to

Misery

I am the embodiment of misery
I am depression incarnate
Darkness prevails my empty heart
No light shines to compensate
I have become death,
And my own world I destroyed
Driving away all who are close to me
All those terrorized or annoyed
Was I too selfish,
did I want too much?
I push away all who I hold,
And break all that I touch
Is it disinterest, annoyance?
Am I overwhelming, am I not enough?
Am I over thinking, under trying,
Am I too soft, or am I too rough?
My life is a barren wasteland
Bleakness caused by introversion
Lost my oasis, I’ve lost all hope
Sorrow becomes my immersion
Sinking quicker into the depths
Of a black void I thought I’d escaped
Wretched Agony as my only friend
This is the life I alone have shaped

Two Years of Gold; Two Weeks of Black

You once were mine
And I was proud of that fact
 I loved you, I cared for you
Like a precious artifact
And I could have sworn
 You felt the same for me too
But you’ve found another
And played me like the fool
Now jealousy rots me to the core
Twisted thoughts prevail my mind
 Images of you loving another man
 Burn my heart and cause it to grind
How could you love a another man
So quickly
What we had was special
 At least to me
I was part of your family
They called me their son
And I wanted to live life with you
But now it’s all said and done
And here I am miserable
Do you even think of me
Or was I something you’d want to forget
So easily
Was this all just an act
Was it only a game?
Well I gave you my heart
 And I thought you felt the same
But two years you put behind
 Like it never mattered
Then played with my heart
left me broken and battered
I tried and I tried
 To give you all my heart
I thought we were going somewhere
 Til you ripped me apart
I was happy with you
And With you I found hope
But you used me and left me
At the end of a rope

Fun with Colours

You blue my hope away with these words that you said.
The night you tore my heart apart played in my head
Like some kind of play, that over and over I red.
You gave me up for another man, so now as I sit in my bed,
I’m blind with anger and green with envy.
The days have since turned grey, and my heart’s become black.
The sun, once a vibrant yellow, has dulled and mellowed.
I valued you like silver and gold,
you were mine to love, mine to hold.

No refuge for a broken man

Do you see what you put me through
Lord knows I would have changed for you
In you I found pride
But I guess sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side
I found solace, I found hope
But now my heart’s so empty
And I can’t find a way to cope
With this pain and fear
 And a stomach full of disgust
From the painful words that night were discussed
Depression never seemed so well defined
 As it is this time
 As sleepless nights prevail
And haunting memories plague my mind
Your words spoke one way
 But your body said another
my heart was confused
And it had me believe
That this time I wouldn’t suffer
 You’ve already moved on
But I just can’t forget
I’d love to escape this pain
And insurmountable regret
It hurts to look in your face
But I’m so content in your embrace
And yet it pains me still to hold
A lover lost, replaced by the empty cold
I fought for a second chance
I didn’t know it was in vain from the start
 And now I live day by day with
A broken mind and an empty heart
It’s too late now that I’ve realized what I’d lost
And the times I’d change, rearrange who I was
I never imagined a ravaged mind would bring such a cost
You’re gone now, and who this man that I am was the cause

Falling star

Broken;
Why do I cry?
I thought I wanted this so many times
Anguish;
All hope is gone
My heart collapsed at my loss of you
Hopelessness;
I need you back in my life
My mind is lost without you
History;
I hurt you so many times
And I’ll never forgive myself
Delusion;
 I knew that I wanted you back
I thought you wanted me, too
Depression;
Gagging from lost appetite
Mind racing and sleep deprived
I fell for you like a star from the sky
 I crashed and burned
Now I smoulder away
I’m haunted by the past, and I can’t let go
It’s my selfishness
This doom originates from
I realized what I’ve done
I’d return to our past to fix it all
but it’s much too late
Take my apologies
And know they’re sincere
For this broken man’s heart
was too full of fear
I tried my hardest to be the best,
The man you needed me to be
But different aims brought us crashing down
Now we live as strangers, worlds away